where the green grass grows.

Each new year (inspired by a friend) I try to pick a word to focus on for the next 365 days. I usually pick a word I know I will be successful at, like love, giving, faith, so when the calendar flips to December and I recall the year I can pat myself on the back for being so amazing at working on that word.
This year I decided to pull up my bootstraps and pick a word I would actually have to work at.

Contentment.

Ew. I hate even writing it. Being content is probably one of the things I suck the most at. I constantly want to figure out what's next? Where are we going? As if not having something on the horizon, or some sort of moving forward in place means we are failures. I wonder if well ever reach any of our goals, will we ever make "grown up" money, will we ever get a house? Pay off these student loans?! (Guys, student loans are the worst!) How can we ever get ahead?

I get easily sucked into my love/hate affair with social media. Its the cyber world equivalent of peaking over your neighbors fence to see if their grass is greener. And as I scroll through the endless feed I generally think everyone's is. It is long and lush and I want to lay in in. Then I glance down at my own yard and sometimes I feel like we don't even have grass yet. Its not that its dead it just hasn't even grown yet. We just have a whole backyard of dirt. We spread all the seeds we gave is sunshine and water and now were just waiting.
And I will tell you surely and truly waiting its the worst.

Waiting is unknown, waiting means you do not know what is going to happen or when. It is gray, it is limbo, waiting breeds discontentment.

Insert complete meh face here.
Realizing this was like my worst nightmare. Not only do I hate waiting but now I have to accept waiting to be content. I have to bask in the unknown as if I am totally okay with it and even dare I say it, trust that things will grow.

We recently had some set backs that make me pout and stomp and curse this unfair life. Things that make me just want to pour concrete over our yard and say there, now nothing can grow. But I decided to check my verse of the day app anyway. Assuming of course in this trying time there could be NOTHING God would have to speak to me but it said this:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 
Galatians 6:9

Really? I mean REALLY.
So here I am waiting and fighting and actively choosing to be content. I am serious I have to actively choose it or my brain will take over and tell me all the reasons not to be (and its a long list).
This is me not taking shortcuts or buying fake grass to make me feel better just for now. The truth is the fake stuff is never as fulfilling. The truth is I am going to have to wait out this season diligently and have hope and faith that there will be a harvest, there will be lush grass one day.
And for now I am going to look out at my backyard of dirt and happily dream of what it will be one day instead of focusing on all the things it isn't right now.


to all things known and unknown,
xo Jess